Too much of yesterday, today.

Did you know only one in ten women who have suffered domestic violence break the cycle, and end up in a non abusive relationship?

I am one of those lucky few. And because of this, i try to relish my present life with my husband and beautiful children, and try to stay away from the past. Unfortunately, this week that option has been snatched away from me. So this is going to Be a very difficult post to write....but i will write it, both to exorcise my demons, and for every woman out there who has been through a violent relationship.

It has been over a year since i heard from him last. He found me on facebook ( even though my privacy settings were water tight- or so i thought. ) He looked me up just to abuse and threaten me. My family and I, have moved hundreds of miles to be safe from him. And when i say family, I also mean my parents. Who received as many death threats as I did. He even physically assaulted my mother.

The contact was just another mind game. He loved mind games, and was so proud of his ability to play them so well. He used to whisper in my ear when we were in a room full of people, exactly what he was going to do to me when we got home. Delighting in the details of the violence. Then he would watch me crumble. To the people in the room, he was charm itself, and they would think me a miserable bitch that only brought him down. Then he would whisper that i was mental.

" You're mad, and everyone sees it."

He told me with an inane grin on his face. Occasionally this lead to such self loathing, i would self harm, and when people saw the cuts and scars, they would shake their heads, and say  " poor him, having to put up with that crazy bitch." So you see what i mean - mind games? In a way it was a lot worse than the violence.

This week it is our daughters tenth birthday. ( he doesn't remember the actual date, just that it is the beginning of Oct some time. I doubt he knows how old she is even. ) And so yesterday, the phone rang. I looked at the screen, and my heart hammered in my chest as I realized the dialing code was the area code where he lives. It could only have been him. I know no one else in that area. I don't know how he could have possibly got my phone number, and the fact that he does terrifies me.

I answered the phone...Silence, then the click of the dial tone.

I have spent six years rebuilding my life. I am happy. I am free. What gets to me is this, after all this time, all it takes is that one phone call. The threat of hearing his voice, and being transported back to that place years ago, where i was a weak nothing. I think what upsets me most, is no matter how much my life has moved on, no matter how safe my husband makes me feel, I can still be terrified by the threat of him.

Does this mean I am still the person I was then? Am I still weak? No it does not. No I am Not. The fear i feel is for my children. They remember nothing of their father ( Ben has brought them up since they were small.) or the violence they saw. They know it happened. I tell them what is appropriate for their age. But they will NEVER live it. They will never be exposed to his bile. I swear it. The strength I needed to leave him, came from them, and the strength I need now, will come from exactly the same place.