Saturday 28 August 2010

TAKING LIBERTY.

Horror/fiction.

Warm shafts of light shone through the richly scented pine trees illuminating the un remarkable face of Dean Graff. Satisfied with his location, secluded in the copse, he settled down, cross legged on the cool forest floor to wait




" wow, no wonder this place is popular with the cool kids"                                      



He thought to himself with a crooked smile. For weeks now he had been hanging around cafes, pubs, swimming pools, trying to glean from the converstations of the local teenagers where they hung out. His small brown eyes gleamed in the sunlight as he remembered Liberty Conner and her stupid brother talking about this place, arranging to come here, describing in such detail the location of this place, they may as well of drawn him a map. Just like every other kid their age, they hardly even gave him a second glance.



He was wasting his time with those other kids anyway, they had been nothing but a passing amusement, a way to pass the time untill she had come along.



He had first set eyes on Liberty Conner six weeks ago to the day. As soon as he saw her he had known she was different. A real prize. Some one truly worthy of his attention. She had the blondest hair he had ever seen, and not that cheap peroxide blonde either like those hollywood bimbos, but pure spun gold, and her eyes. He had never seen anyone with eyes that colour. They were almost violet, with the longest lashes he had ever seen, each one like a strand of silk.



For six weeks he had followed her , waiting for a chance to talk to her, but that brother of hers, never left her side, and besides she never even noticed he was alive. His normally pallid skin flushed red with anger and humiliation. She would know he was alive today though, oh yes! She would wish she hadn't ignored him, always giggling, and whispering behind her hand with her brother. Not once in the entire six weeks had her brother not been there with her. Not today though. He had heard their plans, every word.



They were to walk here to the lake together, then he would cycle into town to run some errands for their mother, and leave her to sun bathe by the lake. By the sounds of things it would be about an hour untill he would return to join his sister. Dean rubbed his long, feminine hands together in glee remembering how they had disscussed their plans so loudly, and openly as he had drank it all in just a few feet away, oh, how they would regret the disgusted way they had looked at him when they caught him staring.



Just then a soft tinkling laugh floated in on the cool forest breeze. His breath caught in his throat. They are coming he thought. Quickly he lay prone on the soft forest floor, thrusting his fist through the bush in front of him, satisfying himself that he had a perfect view of the blue-green expanse of lake before him.



He had chosen his position carefully, just behind an array of flat rocks that hung over the lake. The rest of the lakes perimiter was fairly overgrown, and thick with vegetation. He had ruled out any other spot she could choose to sunbathe, the rocks appeared to be the perfect sun trap.



He could see glimpses of their golden heads making their way through the trees towards him, her melodic voice getting louder, rudely interuppted by her brothers dulcit tones.



His bony chest heaved in excitement, as brother and sister broke into the clearing in front of his hiding place. He took in her appearence, and a low groan escaped his lips.



Long tanned legs passed him, pert buttocks clad only in scrappy denim shorts. His eyes travelled over a vast expanse of tanned midriff, a flash of a bikini top, and his view was suddenly eclipsed by the hulking form of her male counterpart, wheeling a bike alongside him. He hissed in disapointment.



Dean watched, increadably pleased with himself as she settled on the rocks exactly where he had anticapated, barely able to contain his excitment as they re- capped their plans for the afternoon.



" Alright lib, i'm going head off and get this stuff for ma. I'll be as quick as i can, and then we'll do some swimming. Don't go in the lake until i get back, if you get in trouble theres no one for miles to help you."



hayden Conner admonished his sister.



Dean smiled a twisted, little smile.



" If only he knew how prophetic those words will be."



He thought to himself.



" I know, and don't worry. I'll be fine here until you get back."



Liberty smiled sweetly up at her brother. Hayden patted her softly on the head, swung his leg over his bike, and cycled off through the trees.



Dean watched his prize, as she wriggled out of her tiny cut offs. She took a rolled up towel and sun cream from her bag, stretching out luxuriously. Squirting sun cream onto her hands, she began to massage the liquid onto the tops of her shoulders. Her bikini top was a deep violet, mirroring the colour of her eyes, the two small triangles of material barely covering the brown orbs of her breasts. He watched as her delicate fingers trailed the oil down into her cleavage, squirming uncomfortably as his growing erection pressed against the tight denim of his jeans.



Finally she finished smoothing the cream into her soft skin, and laid back, tucking the towel under her head. A growl built in his throat, as he drank in the sight of her hard, gleaming body in the sunlight, sretched out in front of him, just waiting for his touch. He would wait not a moment longer.



Tentatively, he reached around the tree he lay under, feeling for the knife and rope he had hidden there earlier. His fingers connecting with the cool steel, he pulled the knife toward him, and tucked it's handle between his teeth. Reaching out again, he cursed softly under his breath, as his fingers rustled in the leaves, finally grasping the coarse rope. Pushing himself onto his knees, he lightly wrapped the rope around his waist leaving his hands free.



His eyes fixed on her, he stood quietly. Just a few metres more and it wouldn't even matter if she saw him. He would get to her by the time she could get to her feet, and he KNEW there was no one to hear her scream for miles around. It was all so perfect, as if she had known his thoughts, and had planned to offer herself to him!



His heart jackhammered against his chest as he crept forward. His eyes fixed on her lovely face as she lay with eyes closed against the sun, he rose slowly to his feet, knife still fixed between crooked, yellow teeth. Dean took one giant surging leap forward.



The shadow of his wiry frame fell across Liberty's face. Her eyes snapped open, Dean loomed above her, she saw the familiar burn of desire in his eyes before he fell upon her, pinning her to the rocks beneath.



A bloodcurdling scream escaped her, shattering the quiet of the forest, before he could fix his sweating palm across her parted lips. Dean threw his weight against her writhing body again, and again as she tried in vain to buck him off, he slid the knife from his mouth, and with hands shaking in anticapation slipped it to the soft flesh of her throat.



" Shut the fuck up, or i swear i'll slit your throat and let you bleed out right here. Do you understand me? "



Liberty nodded, her eyes wide with fear, as her attempts to throw him off her body quieted, and she lay still. Quickly he unfurled the rope from around his waist, reluctantly easing himself from her smooth body. His heartbeat quickened as he revelled in the frightened whimpers escaping her, as he wrapped the rope around securing her arms to her sides. Electric jolts of excitement coursed through him as his fingers trailed across her naked flesh, delighting him with thoughts of what was to come.



" Get to you're feet! We are going to take a little walk to my car, and drive a little further into the woods, where your brother won't disturb us. Scream and i will kill you, do you understand? Not that anyone can hear you anyway, and it would be such a shame to tape up that pretty mouth of yours."



He leered at her suggestively, flecks of saliva covering her face. She winced at the proximity of his sour breath, and tried to shy away from his vice like grip on her arm.



" Are you going to kill me?"



She gazed up at him, eyes wide in a childlike expression.



Man this girl was something else, he thought with a goofy grin on his face.



" aw, nah..not if your a good girl, and do as i say."



He said, chucking her under the chin with the flat part of the blade.



" now lets move."



He lead her to the edge of the woods where he had left his car, her all the while sobbing gently, firing him up even more, exciting him, filling him with the power he had so longed to wield over all those that had hurt him..rejected him! He glanced furtively side to side, before opening the boot of the car.



" Get in, and lie still."



He thrust her toward the open boot, delighting in the girlish quiver of her bottom lip.



He watched her curl into a submissive little ball, a nasty smirk twitching at his lips. Triumphant, he slammed the car boot shut, and scuttled into the drivers seat. He knew exactly where he would take her. Funnily enough it was Libertys own dear brother he had gotten the idea from. He had heard him tell Liberty about this old rundown shed about a mile from here, no one ever went there, and he had told his sister about one of his friends who took some girl they knew there for sex once. He had checked it out, it was perfect. His every nerve ending tingled in excitement as he started the engine.



Hayden Conner , cycling back to where his sister waited for him, watched, a quizzical little smile playing on his lips, as he saw a vaguely familiar face drive hell for leather past him on the road.





Dean kicked the rickety door of the shed closed behind them, and pushed Liberty down onto the decrepid mattress he had lugged there the previous night. Panting, and puffing with the exertion, he swept his fine mousy brown hair out of his eyes, and studied the reaction of his prey. Lines of terror etched Libertys pretty features, as she scooted away from him on the mattress, pressing herself up against the back wall of the shed as though trying to escape the occupants of hell itself.



" Please..my brother will come looking for me, you can't do this."



" Oh but i have done it, by the time he works out you haven't actually gone home it will all be too late."



Dean wiped a trail of saliva that had dribbled down his chin as he spoke. He edged closer, and she suppressed a gag as her eyes fell to his obvious erection. He followed her gaze to his groin, and swiftly unbuttoned the denim restraint of his jeans. He wore nothing underneath, and his erect penis bobbed in front of him looking ridiculous against his skinny form. He seemed unsure of what to do next, and with the knife in one hand lunged at her, his free hand grabbing, and pinching at her breasts. With a grunt, he tore the flimsy bikini top from her body, tossing it aside, slamming his hand around her throat he pinned her against the wall, cutting her breath short. His eyes bulged as they roamed down to her bare breasts, scooting back slightly to take in their soft curves, his breath caught in his throat, how long he had waited for this moment.



He raised his eyes to hers, sucking in a breath as he watched her expression begin to harden. He cocked his head to the side quizzically, as the frightened little girl turned into something else, something not of this world. Those dewy, frightened eyes now glowed with a hunger that threatened to suck his soul from it's earthly form. Like a poisonous viper she struck, pulling back her legs, and kicking out, striking him square in the chest. A sickening 'crack' filled the air, as his breastbone caved in with the force.



Dean fell back, prone on the dusty unused floor of the shed, wheezing, and spluttering as he tried to suck air into his crushed lungs.



Liberty sretched languidly, a look of bliss on her face. She stood, and walked toward him, her hips weaving from side to side with the practised ease of a seductress. She now towered over his gasping form. Liberty raised her leg again, the glittering silver heel on her sandals glinting wickedly in the dust strewn shafts of light pouring in through the cracks in the shed wall. She kicked out again, smashing down onto the bridge of his nose with a crunch as blood exploded through the wound.



He tried to scream, but only a strangled wheeze escaped his lips, followed by a gurgling sound as the blood ran into his open mouth.



" Did you think i didn't see you watching me little boy, do you really think i did'nt notice your pathetic little form everywhere i went, devouring my every word? Do you think you are my first admirer!"



She spat.



Dean began to whimper now, he shuffled backwards as he saw her eyes fall on the knife she had sent skittering across the floor earlier.



She swooped down and picked up the knife with inhuman speed, and immeadiatley fell on him like a hungry tiggress.



the shed door creaked open, and Liberty squinted up at the light. In the doorway stood the hulking form of Hayden Conner.



" You were supposed to wait untill i got here!"



Hayden playfully scolded his sister.



Liberty twirled the knife in her hand.



" I was just starting the game, thats all."



Her face had softened, and once again held that innocent, childlike quality.



He stepped through the doorway, and a beam of light illumanated the face of Dean Graff.



Two black holes gaped where his eyes had once been, filled with dark pools of crimson blood. His pasty cheek exposed a familiar marking. A noughts and crossess grid had been carved into the sallow skin. In the centre a bloody 'o'.



" And i got to start this time."



Liberty giggled girlishly.

Spending money to make it...really?

Learn how to make money online from the Internet guru's, or save yourself some time, and throw your money straight in the bin.

If you have been looking for ways to make money online, then I'm sure you too have had the pleasure (gag ) of coming across these "automated money making systems- just program and let it fill your bank account!" Hmmm...now how would that work exactly? If it does what they say it does, why are these people wasting their time trying to flog them to us for " the low, low price of just £100?" Why aren't they lounging around in their massive houses, laughing at us poor dopes, still desperately trying to find a piece of the Internet goldmine? ( their term, not mine )

I wanted to know if there were any genuine ways to make money online, and write about it in my blog. So, for months i have trawled the Internet, constantly having to deal with these jokers! Millions of crazy sales letters adorned with pictures of big houses, and flash cars, claiming that using their system will result in life changing wealth. These people make me sick!

Don't get me wrong, they seem convincing at first, but after hours of trawling the same old crap looking for a way to earn money with no start up fee, ( they all claim to cost little or nothing ) I soon learnt to just scroll to the end of the page, to once again discover " i can have all this for a one off price of £100, for thousands of pounds worth of equipment, to make me a fortune!" ....oh please!"

Even the auction listing programs seem to be a complete con. They claim they are in need of hundreds of people to post auction items for amazing pay, and then try and slap you with a £50 monthly membership fee! If i had a spare fifty quid a month, i would not be wasting my time looking for extra income on the Internet would i? Then you have certain sites that claim to be in need of article writers to fill the hundreds of jobs they have daily, then they want a fifty quid membership fee too. It's so frustrating.

There are so many people claiming to offer  advice on earning online (for a small fee) and these are the ones that i have fallen for. It may only be a few pounds, but I've found the only information they actually dole out is completely useless, or information you can get from a search engine. The low price fools hundreds of people, and they get their money that way. 

I honestly think that if you really want to try and turn a hundred pounds into thousands, your best chance is at the bookies, and not on the Internet. In previous posts, i have given you the only good advice i have learnt so far about making money online, and as i learn, i will post what actually works on my blog, and at no charge. You can make some money online, but only if you don't let the thousands of con artists take it from you to begin with, don't be fooled, if their money making systems work so well, they wouldn't be trying to flog them to you now, would they.

Sunday 22 August 2010

How to make money from your blog. Part two.

In my previous post, i uncovered some strategies to make money from your blog. Making money from blog posting is only easy when you are made aware of the resources available to you. So here are a few tips, and tricks to help you on your way. Once again, i am in no way being paid to write this post, or endorse any of the sites mentioned.
         
While looking for ways to make money blogging i came across payperpost, o desk, and blogitive. All great resources to earn money from your blog posts.

Payperpost.

Simply click here to register to payperpost free, and submit your blog. You will then be given assignments to write posts for advertisers, being paid per post, or per word, depending on the length of the assignment.

Blogitive.

click here to sign up free to blogitive. Then add your blog url. Blogitive will then evaluate your blog, and notify you within two working days if you have been accepted, then as with payperpost, just wait for the job offers,and accept the tasks you want to do to start making money from your blog.

Odesk.

click here to register free to odesk for access to hundreds of available new jobs daily. Once you have registered, and set up your profile, you don't even have to wait until jobs are offered to you as with payperpost, and blogitive, as you can search the hundreds of jobs suited to your strengths, and apply for them right away.

Multiple blogs.

It is a good idea to use multiple 'niche blogs', and the best way to earn money with this method, as just using one blog with payperpost etc. Will not amount to much income. Submitting multiple blogs to payperpost, and blogitive will get you more assignments. Personally, i recommend odesk, as they have the largest amount of paid job offers available. Of course the other great advantage to having multiple blogs, is that you can use your google adsense account. ( see "how to make money from your blog" previous post ) to post ads on all your blogs, therefore multiplying your income from your adverts. If you need to set up an adsense account
click here.

Click bank.

A way of making money by selling, and promoting products on your blog. click here to sign up for a free clickbank account, where you will find millions of products to promote, and sell. Choose what type of products interest you, or are relevant to your blog, get your product link ( this will be unique to you ) and add the links on your blog. Any sales made this way will earn you a percentage. You can do this as many times as you like, with as many products as you like.

Traffic exchange.

Sometimes it takes a lot of time, and effort ( and lets face it, sometimes just good luck ) to build up traffic to your blog. If you are using a method such as adsense, or clickbank to make money from your blog, then traffic really is vital. A great way to get free advertising for your blog is by using a traffic exchange such as " i love hits" or trafficg. To set up a free account at a traffic exchange click here.

Traffic exchange's work by, clicking on and surfing other peoples websites Each time you visit a site, you in exchange  get one credit, or visit to your site. Using a traffic exchange is not the best method to gain traffic, as people are often busy clicking for credits for their sites, to bother about paying a great deal of attention to yours. However, if your website is eye catching enough, and contains content that interests people, they will take the time to properly visit your site, possibly clicking on your ads and buying your products.

I hope you find this information helpful. Please feel free to add any tips of your own, comment, or ask anything you like, and if i can help, i will.

Wednesday 18 August 2010

The marriage monologues.

Since we got married a few weeks ago, everyone we meet is suddenly a relationship expert, and joy of joys, they all want to impart their wisdom on us newly weds.

We only invited close friends and family to the wedding, and so until we run into them, a lot
of our friends and acquaintances don't know we are married, but when they do the conversation goes something like this: Friend: "hey, so whats new with you?"
US: (furtive nervous, glances at each other) umm.."well, we got married"
Friends: *sound of crickets, followed by extreme gushing.."wow, that's great, you know, we've been saving to get married for ages, we just haven't saved enough yet! (man suddenly goes white with impending doom) She continues..."you know, the secret to a long lasting relationship is..".(fill in the blank depending on the person/couple ) trust/sharing/friendship/ , you get the idea!
Friends: "oh we would have so loved to have seen you get married!" ( can't tell you how many times we've been cornered by this line.)
Us: *guilty expressions. " oh, it was a small wedding you know. erm, why don't you come round for dinner tomorrow night? Have a look at the photos?"
 
And so it begins...This is how the number of excruciating "marriage masterclass" evenings, came about, over, and over since the wedding. Especially from the un married couples, funnily enough.These evenings seemed to fall into three categories.
1) The married couple who tell us in detail how to have a harmonious marriage, and sex life ( yes, that's right extreme detail on their healthy sex lives. Although we learnt quickly and took away the wine.) and then spend the entire evening arguing over every point the other made.
2) The un married couple that will have the perfect marriage because their relationship is based on...listening to one another/trust/friendship etc and then spend the entire evening arguing over every point the other made.
3) The unmarried couple who "would never get married" as they have the perfect relationship, don't we realize that marriage ruins everything, and then spend the entire evening arguing over every point the other made.

Well we definatley learnt something from the endless marriage monologues. We learnt how to communicate with   furtive looks, and gestures, and we learnt we shouldn't serve wine when entertaining. I don't mean it, but geez, EVERYONE's an expert!

Sunday 15 August 2010

10 best blogging, and blogging for money books and tools.

Previously i wrote a post on how to blog for profit. Following this i did some research on the best blogging, and blogging for money books around, so here are the ten best ones, in no particular order with a brief run down of their contents, and what they have to offer you. I hope you find this helpful.

  1. Easy blogging guide.-A guide to having your readers pay for having you speak your own mind, and using your blog to promote your business. click here $32.27

 2.  Blogging your way to wealth. - How to make money from every post you write thorough monetizing your blog in different ways. Simple language and easy instruction. click here  $9.62

3. Blogging for wealth. Ultimate blogging package-get rich with blogs. -  Complete guide. Learn how to build your blogs, drive visitors and create wealth. Turn your blogs into cash-raking assets that will work hard for you around the clock. Instant download click here $16.73

4. How to build a money making blog. - Great if you are starting from scratch. Easy to understand, and simple instruction.  How to set up your blog, post great content ( great if you need ideas for posts ) grow your readership, and make money doing it. click here

5. ( video ) Blogging mindset video training course. -A complete step by step guide, high quality, and easy instruction.How to use your blog to quickly establish yourself as an expert.. click here

6. Multiple income streams blog theme.- Defiantly one of my favourites, and great value for money. You are getting a professional wordpress blog theme with 10 built in ways to make money! click here  $14.38

7. Simple smart blogging $5000 monthly rewards and more. -An e book, excellent for beginners, and those struggling to make money blogging. Easy to understand with practical, fundamental, genuine advice. Simple and smart. click here

8. Blogging exploit. - Includes great free resources. A complete guide to building a high profit blog empire.A simplified but powerful action plan to build profitable blogs in 24hrs. click here $10.60

9. Auto niche blogs.- Not for beginners. Download six videos on blog automation (also offers automation software, to buy) The automation blog is a carefully planned strategy to improve search engine ranking, and save time. click here $17.98

10. Blogging decoded- the industry trade secrets of profitable blogging. - Instant download, and easy to understand. An all inclusive blueprint to high profit blogging. Become a high paid pro blogger, with this step by step guide. click here  $16.24

Wednesday 11 August 2010

Basic writing tips, and sites of interest for writers.

My passion for blogging, and fiction writing is growing by the day. Lately i have spent a great deal of time online, and with my head in books looking for writing tips, and how to blog for money ( see earlier post ) Over the next few weeks i intend to share the best tips and writing sites with you. To begin with, here are a few basic writing tips, i hope you find them helpful, and as before i am in no way being paid to write this, or endorse any of the sites mentioned.


 
1) Get the title done first.-This way you can focus your thoughts and ideas on the task. Design the title around the central theme or message.
 To come up with a title...
a) Get a blank piece of paper or document.
b) Set a timer for 10 minutes.
c) Write as many titles as you can in the alloted time.
                                                                                                                        

When writing your titles, don't think about it too much, write anything that comes into your head. After all, you don't have to use them, and can always disregard them after the ten minutes.If none of them are any good, this will at least point you in the right direction. If you don't like any of the titles you come up with, simply repeat the exercise.
2) Use quotation marks correctly.- Most people make the mistake of using quotation marks to emphasize or identify a statement, or phrase, however quotation marks should only be used to identify the exact words spoken by someone.                                                                                                                        

3) Stop using exclamation marks.- Personally, i am terrible for this! See can't even take my own advice o the matter. Seriously though, it can make you seem over excited, and well...a little shrill.

4) Use short sentences.- By relaxing and writing in short simple sentences, you begin to write a lot more clearly. When trying to elaborate on sentences, and add phrases, you can begin to struggle, and your writing can become stilted.                                                                                                                   

5) Always keep it simple. - A lot of writers are so concerned with developing a writing style, they cram in unnecessary detail. Remember your writing style will shine through when you just keep it simple.


 
Sites of interest.
For the best blogging ad writing tips, here area few of the most informative sites i have found so far. Personally i found Storytellers unplugged to be the most interesting, and informative for fiction writers. With some of the best writers on the market today providing extremely use full information on all aspects of writing.                           
Problogger- Simply click on the link, includes 10 great tips for bloggers.
Hub pages- Many ways to make money from your writing.
Writing world- Includes many helpful links.
                                                                                                   
                             

If there is anything i can help with..
                                                                                             



Saturday 7 August 2010

Wedding woes, and wonders.

Well, our wedding is over and i am now mrs Emma Johnson. How strange! The 'mrs' part constantly throws me. I feel so old. Is this normal?

The week before the wedding i was soooo nervous, and couldn't wait for it to be over and done with. I wish i had relaxed and enjoyed it more now, as anyone who has been married knows that the day goes ridiculously quickly, and is all over way too soon. It was an amazing day, however it being my wedding, of course there were a number of..erm, well..hiccups! I figured that the peachy blush colour of my dress would warm my skin tone a little, but i still looked like i had been locked in a dark room without sunlight for a long time. my complexion made the white lilies look positively tanned. My mum had decided to keep my dress at her house, so it wouldn't smell of smoke (yes, I'm a smoker) fair enough, trouble was, i have been dieting in the 4 months since i bought the dress. So the night before the wedding, i slipped my dress on, only to find that my boobs have of course shrunk considerably (no matter how much  i diet, the only place i really loose weight is my bust ) and my once snug wedding dress now gaped off my chest ridiculously. 12 hours before the wedding, what the hell was i going to do?? Well..mum had the answer and so the next day i walked down the aisle full of safety pins holding my dress on, and my chest considerably plumped with the aid of 3 bras, and some toilet roll!! Can you picture it? A vision of loveliness I'm sure?

My sister in law straightened my hair, which was amazing, and poker straight before i left the house. By the time i got to the church ( 5 minutes down the road ) i looked like i had been electrocuted and my hair was the consistency of straw. Pah! "ghd industrial strength straighteners" i think not! Sure, if you have permed hair, or a stubborn kink, they will straighten it out, but full on natural curls? Clearly the ghd inventors had not thought people with natural curls needed to be catered for? Maybe they think people with curls are pretty much extinct? Well, whatever the story, they did not think this through, clearly. I mean who did they test these things on? They are probably from L.A, where people are born with sleek, straight, glossy locks ( retch ) OK, OK, rant over! So yeah, my hair frizzed over so much, it took me 3 days to untangle and remove my tiara. I looked seriously demented with it perched on top of my birds nest excuse for hair buying milk in the corner shop the next day ( actual flashback *groan ) Where was i, oh yeah, i have really short stubbly eyelashes, so i decided to invest in false ones for my big day. Again, i got my sister in law to fix them on for me. I had to really, i am partially sighted in one eye, and trying to guess where to glue them was a little like playing pin the tail on the donkey. ( with one eye closed i can see precisely-nothing ) and at one point managed to give myself a dodgy eyelash moustache, not a good look for a bride. So she glued on the lashes and eyed up the effect dubiously. "hmm, a little drag queenish" she uttered, and before i could squawk my protest had trimmed them down with nail scissors. " Much better " she assured me, and headed out to the church to finalize the music. I picked up the mirror and admired her handiwork " Ah crap! " She had trimmed the new eyelashes to precisely the same length as my normal, inadequate, stumpy lashes. Out came the mascara, as i tried in vain to salvage them. Only succeeding in giving myself the look of having glued spiders legs to my lash line, humph! You would think that would be the end of the eyelash debacle, but noooo. Mere minutes before i was due to get into the bridal car, one demented lash became unstuck at the corner. ( mum, and every other female having already left ) shrieking in panic, it was left to me and my equally short sighted dad to navigate the lash glue, and salvage my dignity. ( yes, i know I'm being dramatic but it was my wedding day, i was ENTITLED to be! ) And so, forgetting everything is backwards in the mirror, i succeeded in placing a huge white blob of eyelash glue on the outside of my eyelashes! In stark contrast to the gold of my eyeshadow, the white blob merely smeared and smudged when i tried to remove it, and the wedding car's horn began to blare loudly in signal, we had to go now! " put more gold on it? " dad suggested helpfully. With the little time left, i did, and tried not to look in reflective surfaces!

Arriving at the church mum pointed out, i had forgotten my bouquet. "Aaarrghhh! this marriage is doomed." A voice in my head blared. Dad retrieved my bouquet, and the sight of my gorgeous and very calm daughters, filled me with shame. Everything was fine until the vows, when the vicar who had been reminded constantly, and even had it spelt phonetically, was completely dumbstruck and unable to pronounce my middle name-Sian. Which is just the welsh version of Shan. The silence was deafening. " Shan" Ben, and i hissed, rather too forcefully. Next came the rings, oh what fun we had. ( did you hear the sarcasm? ) Ben had been building decking the previous week, and had knocked his hand,causing it to swell. When it was time for me to put the ring on his finger, lo and behold it would not go over his swollen knuckle! I pushed fervently to no avail, and gave in glaring at my groom, hoping desperately to signal with my eyes that he do it! Luckily he knows every dirty look i have, by heart ( we're so in love-ha! ) and quickly slipped the ring on the other hand-phew! I positively melted as my new husband gazed at me lovingly, until i realized the look of love was more a quizzical puzzled expression, as he stared at the great hulking blob of gold speckled glue in the corner of my eye!

And so, smugly, and newly married off we trotted to sign the register. Face screwed up in concentration, i signed my life away ( kidding, i adore him. ) Ben noticing something different about my signature, asked what name i was signing? "Emma Johnson" ( my married name ) i chirped. A collective gasp rippled through the room. "What?" I asked. "You're supposed to sign your maiden name." The registrar told me. "Oh crap!" How was i supposed to know? I had just got married after all. I was no longer Emma Carter, why would i assume i should sign my maiden name after i was married? Bless her, the registrar was very understanding, and fixed it for me with minimum fuss. It really is no wonder i spent most of the day with the look of a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Everything else ran smoothly enough, that is until Ben forgot half his speech, and the top table caught fire when the serviettes blew into my lovely floating candles, but APART from those things, my wedding day was beautiful and filled with love. My biggest mistake being, i decided to break my no alcohol rule, and drank with my friend tat evening. No one told me that when you hit 30 a hangover lasts 3 freaking days!! *groan.

I think we should have a kind of wedding tribute month, so please email me your wedding stories, and photos at: meami_5@live.com and i will happily fill my blog with your lovely memories. Long live weddings!!

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