.....So i have shared with you a little part of a depraved life, the domestic violence part. This is where my real mistakes began and the real depravity begins.
After the attack in my own home, I broke down. I as a mother could not protect my own children. The next morning i got my parents to pick them up. Bruised and with a split lip, they took them with no question. Social services were quickly involved. The few days following, my house was empty, my life was empty. I had gone from having these beautifull babies that took up all my days and nights. If only I had known then that in a short time, I would be crying at their unused toys, breathing in their scent from the clothes that had been left behind. I was unable to see them untill the bruises were gone and social services were there. How had i gone from being this strong person, that had got rid of grant, to this weak being that called him to come get me! I had no one else, maybe he had been right all the time, and i couldn't live without him. I put a few belongings in a bin bag, and an hour later I was getting in his car. I knew that my dad would sell my house now anyway, I could'nt bear the ghosts in that house. So he took me to his new flat. We had room mates too. Mark and Tara. SO called mutual friends of his.
For the first few weeks i missed my babies so much, all i did was get up buy a litre of vodka, drink it and sleep as long as I could. Anything to block this out. I noticed there was a change in the three of them. At this point i was a stranger to the symptoms of heroin, and did not click as to what they were all doing. I was just gratefull he was leaving me alone. Finallly they cajoled,bullied and blackmailed me to come to the living room, and spend some time with them. To keep the peace I did. (I was still not allowed to visit the children.) Every morning they all looked ill and listless. Grant would go out of the flat, and come back an hour later. After a lot of whispering etc. On his return, suddenly they were on top of the world. One morning he got up, went straight to the drawer and pulled out a large lump of heroin ( actually 4 huge lumps he had sold his house and had 25grand to spend!) This was the first time i had seen it. Where i grew up heroin did bad things to people i knew. Curiously i watched him put a lump on a piece of foil and began smoking it. He told me ( and i don't blame him for this part, no one made me do anything, at this point.) this would kill my pain better than any vodka. So i did. And it helped.Every morning he would allow me some, I had no idea of his plan at this point.
Soon the depravity of the drug was evident. The flat we lived in was dirty, mouldy food everywhere, bare duvet cover ( hideously dirty ) All he wanted to do was get more drugs. We had to go to bristol. There were 5 of us in the car that night. Grant drove the car 90miles an hour, into the back of a stationary van. The man in the front was seriously hurt. Grant was in the middle of the road (unharmed), and i had hit the right hand corner of the windscreen with my head, which was full of glass. I also had a broken right arm. Grant however was only concerned we would not "score" that night.
The next day, I woke up feeling so ill i can't even describe it. He also was ill and here's where he admits to me his "plan".To punish me for what i had done to him, he had planned to get me addicted to heroin, then leave me to suffer. Although feeling the pain now himself, he kindly changed his mind.There is so much to tell you, but i don't think i can tell all. I'm not ready for that still. The things i've seen, the positions i was put in due to heroin. And thats before i left him again.
That night we went back to bristol. He took me to a crackhouse. Full of the people you would cross the road, to get away from. I am eternally thankfull he had money at this time, because here i was like a fish outta water ( knife in my bag ). When a powerfull figure among this world of depravity, walked in. He headed straight toward me, dripping in gold, and he eyes me up and down a few times. Without taking his eyes off me, he says "who's pretty woman is dis?" Grant sniffed, and with a nod of his head, he indicates, mine! The man says "wait here a moment." quickly he returned. Slammed god knows how much heroin ( the size of a brick ) and he says to grant,"I give you dis for her." I can honestly say that this was one of the most frightening moments of my life. Grant did'nt give a crap about me, am i going to be sold to do god knows what. Grant's silent consideration , was far too long. Finally he said no. And the man left.
Weeks later the violence began again. He had been taunting me in a room full of people, among them my so called friend's Tara and Mark. Then i said somthing that made him look stupid. And he attacked. I was on the floor being kicked, over and over. "My friend " Tara said; "Grant if you're going to kick her at least take you're steel toe cap boots off." Eventually that evening, I managed to throw some things in a bin bag, and with a broken arm and Tara's help, I escaped through the window.
For two weeks i slept rough in a city i was unfamiliar with. I never sold my body to get by, but i do not want to talk about it. There was a lot more between then and now., but i will tell you this, all this time later, my children and i are together again. Even better, as I quote my cpn; "i have broken the cycle. Only one percent of women that come from domestic violence, usually repeat the pattern, and go for abusive men." I have broken that pattern. I have an amazing fiancee who the children call daddy. He does nothing but support me, love me. We are getting married july 31st. I want any of you women out there who have lived or are living this life, there is hope. You have to want it and it's very hard work. Although dammit it can be done. emma
Monday 12 April 2010
Saturday 3 April 2010
then and now.PART 1
I sit here today,with my beautifull children beside me.Morgan 9 and Elisha 7.I look at their beautifull faces,stare into their innocent eyes,and my eyes burn with tears as i listen to their sweet chattering little voices.
You see you would never tell,looking at this cozy little scene.(All of us giggling in our pj's cozy living room lamps glowing around us.Home.Where we are safe and warm.) That I have lived in the darkest depravity.A World no human being should ever experience.Although sadly so many do.I had my children by the time i was 21.They were 18months apart,and I loved them fiercley.We lived with their father.How many times I looked into that mans eyes and realize that this person was fully capable of cold blooded murder,and enjoying it.Drawing power from it.That was Grant.The father of my babies.I won't go into all the details as this is not another domestic abuse story.(although I need to explain some of it in order for you to understand.)When first pregnant he stamped on my belly.I told him i would go,that he would not have to be around,but then he still wanted to keep me.Grant was an alcoholic and i knew when he came home drunk,i was in trouble.For five years i kidded myself the children needed their daddy.At one point being admitted to a mental instatution,simply because he made me doubt my sanity.When the neighbours asked about my shouts and screams,he told them I was mental and he had to stay strong and care for the children.He would whisper in my ear "you're mental you know." Soon I didn't know any more.
Morgan was 18 months and i was about 6 months pregnant with Elisha when He gave me a taste of death.He had beat me many times.Laughing out loud after one punch in the temple,because apparrently my eyes rolled back in my head as i passed out.He had not seen that before,and it amused him.Anyway this one particular night (me heavily tired and pregnant.Him up on anphetamine.)We were disscussing our move.You see when i fell pregnant with Elisha (we lived 40 miles away from my family.) I beleived i would not be able to cope with two small children and no support.My father offered to buy us a 3bedroom house,all done out.He had a shack of a house where we lived.So we had (i thought) agreed to sell grant's house and he pay the mortgage of the new house to my dad.Eventually him then owning it.It was near midnight and i was desperate to sleep,knowing Morgan would wake at six.For hours now he had been trying to convince me to fiddle it somehow.In order he would not have to sell his house and fully commit to our little family.(i promise i am trying to shorten all this as much as possible!) He then asked if my father (the most honest and decent man i know.)To lie to the housing benefit and fiddle it.So tired by now i told him NO.And turned my back on him to try and sleep.The first thing i felt was a hard punch to my spine.I wailed in pain.Mistake. He thrives on seeing weakness,and now it was going to get bad.
As i am writing this i am reliving every moment,but i will cry no more tears for him or myself,only my babies.He rolled me on to my back and began pummelling me all over.You see he very rarely hit my face,that would leave evidence for the neighbours to see.Is what he said.Although this night he headbutted me and broke my nose,()for the first or 2nd time.I can't remember which anymore.) I don't remember a lot about it anymore,I think i must have blocked the worst bits out.Although I remember only too well when he began to stangle me untill i passed out.I remember him slapping me hard accross the face countless times to bring me back around.This continued untill 5am.I just remember looking up at him,waiting for the next blow,and seeing this look on his face?He had this blank expression and was staring between my legs.My nightie having bunched up."You're bleedind." He said.I didn't understand,I didn't get it all.Then I saw it.Patches of blood all over the bed where he had dragged and thrown me,but this blood was coming from between my legs.I was losing my baby!!!I was weak and could only cry.In his amphetamine psycosis he began running around.Woke up and picked up our daughter,while phoning an ambulance.That night had gone on forever,but the 20 minutes untill the ambulance came was longer than any time i have ever had to wait for anything.
Time passed. Elisha was born healthy a few months later.Once again I put it down to the drugs and alcohol.He even sold his house and moved with us! It lasted two weeks.He was 30 years old but couldn't handle being away from his home town. Like a child he also missed his mum.He was hardly ever there.He went back home during the week,and if we were lucky,he'd come and see us a few days on the weekend.He slept with prostitutes,my friends (in my house) but the very last straw was that i had asked him to get nappies from the shop.Fine! Then he insisted taking Morgan.I thought he was bonding with her,and the shop was just up the hill. 30mins later I put the baby in the other pram and marched up there worried about Morgan. There outside the shop with my poor little girl sitting patiently in her buggy,there he was knocking back six cans of stella! In CHARGE OF OUR DAUGHTER! Him being who he was,we already had social services involved.I can't go into all that too.What might have happened to her,him drunk like that.Still makes me want to vomit.
So that was finally it! It clicked my children were getting older,more in the know.I would not allow them near this.....supposed man! It wasn't hard to get him to go.He knew he could happily get back to mummy's and continue drinking guilt free. Soon came the threats the evil bile that would spout from his mouth.Using all my insecurities,death threats.etc.My family and I took out an injunction he could come no where near.
It was hard though. I still missed him,loved him,Morgan asked for him for a little while.Elisha didn't even know him.I had two small children on my own. he had told me how useless etc i was for so long! How was I to do This? I began drinking when the children were asleep. I was scared but felt like i needed him,was nothing without him.As he said no one else would put up with me,would I be alone forever? Could i look after these little girls? I was so selfish. I didn't even realize it then.They should've been my everything,but i turned to the bottle.Also when i got too much for him,as he said;he would spike my tea with benzodiazapines.Which i later discovered from my doctor.After not having them for a week i became very ill,after many doctors tests,they found nitrazopam in my system.A drug you can die coming off. The physical violence was nothing compared to the mental torture,and now this? "to control me!" you see me out cold meant he could drink and i would never even know. So I sat in my chair one night,the children asleep in bed,and strangley no threats from him?
I was in my nightdress,I heard a smash from my back door.Just as I rose in terror,I saw.A stranger in a motorcycle helmet hac smashed through the bottom panel of my kitchen door.His unfamiliar shape just stood there in front of me for a moment.I did what i could and cowered on the floor,trying to protect my head. when he was satisfied and he saw my swollen,bloody face,he left just as he had come.I couldn't beleive grant would do this,with his children asleep upstairs.(I knew it wasn't grant,but as he could'nt get near he found someone who could. someone to dole out the punishment he felt i deserved.He laughed when i asked him. That sound will never leave me.If I'd have died that night HIS CHILDREN,would have found me dead.It never even crossed his mind. Thats more soul bearing than i can bear right now but there's so much more...........
You see you would never tell,looking at this cozy little scene.(All of us giggling in our pj's cozy living room lamps glowing around us.Home.Where we are safe and warm.) That I have lived in the darkest depravity.A World no human being should ever experience.Although sadly so many do.I had my children by the time i was 21.They were 18months apart,and I loved them fiercley.We lived with their father.How many times I looked into that mans eyes and realize that this person was fully capable of cold blooded murder,and enjoying it.Drawing power from it.That was Grant.The father of my babies.I won't go into all the details as this is not another domestic abuse story.(although I need to explain some of it in order for you to understand.)When first pregnant he stamped on my belly.I told him i would go,that he would not have to be around,but then he still wanted to keep me.Grant was an alcoholic and i knew when he came home drunk,i was in trouble.For five years i kidded myself the children needed their daddy.At one point being admitted to a mental instatution,simply because he made me doubt my sanity.When the neighbours asked about my shouts and screams,he told them I was mental and he had to stay strong and care for the children.He would whisper in my ear "you're mental you know." Soon I didn't know any more.
Morgan was 18 months and i was about 6 months pregnant with Elisha when He gave me a taste of death.He had beat me many times.Laughing out loud after one punch in the temple,because apparrently my eyes rolled back in my head as i passed out.He had not seen that before,and it amused him.Anyway this one particular night (me heavily tired and pregnant.Him up on anphetamine.)We were disscussing our move.You see when i fell pregnant with Elisha (we lived 40 miles away from my family.) I beleived i would not be able to cope with two small children and no support.My father offered to buy us a 3bedroom house,all done out.He had a shack of a house where we lived.So we had (i thought) agreed to sell grant's house and he pay the mortgage of the new house to my dad.Eventually him then owning it.It was near midnight and i was desperate to sleep,knowing Morgan would wake at six.For hours now he had been trying to convince me to fiddle it somehow.In order he would not have to sell his house and fully commit to our little family.(i promise i am trying to shorten all this as much as possible!) He then asked if my father (the most honest and decent man i know.)To lie to the housing benefit and fiddle it.So tired by now i told him NO.And turned my back on him to try and sleep.The first thing i felt was a hard punch to my spine.I wailed in pain.Mistake. He thrives on seeing weakness,and now it was going to get bad.
As i am writing this i am reliving every moment,but i will cry no more tears for him or myself,only my babies.He rolled me on to my back and began pummelling me all over.You see he very rarely hit my face,that would leave evidence for the neighbours to see.Is what he said.Although this night he headbutted me and broke my nose,()for the first or 2nd time.I can't remember which anymore.) I don't remember a lot about it anymore,I think i must have blocked the worst bits out.Although I remember only too well when he began to stangle me untill i passed out.I remember him slapping me hard accross the face countless times to bring me back around.This continued untill 5am.I just remember looking up at him,waiting for the next blow,and seeing this look on his face?He had this blank expression and was staring between my legs.My nightie having bunched up."You're bleedind." He said.I didn't understand,I didn't get it all.Then I saw it.Patches of blood all over the bed where he had dragged and thrown me,but this blood was coming from between my legs.I was losing my baby!!!I was weak and could only cry.In his amphetamine psycosis he began running around.Woke up and picked up our daughter,while phoning an ambulance.That night had gone on forever,but the 20 minutes untill the ambulance came was longer than any time i have ever had to wait for anything.
Time passed. Elisha was born healthy a few months later.Once again I put it down to the drugs and alcohol.He even sold his house and moved with us! It lasted two weeks.He was 30 years old but couldn't handle being away from his home town. Like a child he also missed his mum.He was hardly ever there.He went back home during the week,and if we were lucky,he'd come and see us a few days on the weekend.He slept with prostitutes,my friends (in my house) but the very last straw was that i had asked him to get nappies from the shop.Fine! Then he insisted taking Morgan.I thought he was bonding with her,and the shop was just up the hill. 30mins later I put the baby in the other pram and marched up there worried about Morgan. There outside the shop with my poor little girl sitting patiently in her buggy,there he was knocking back six cans of stella! In CHARGE OF OUR DAUGHTER! Him being who he was,we already had social services involved.I can't go into all that too.What might have happened to her,him drunk like that.Still makes me want to vomit.
So that was finally it! It clicked my children were getting older,more in the know.I would not allow them near this.....supposed man! It wasn't hard to get him to go.He knew he could happily get back to mummy's and continue drinking guilt free. Soon came the threats the evil bile that would spout from his mouth.Using all my insecurities,death threats.etc.My family and I took out an injunction he could come no where near.
It was hard though. I still missed him,loved him,Morgan asked for him for a little while.Elisha didn't even know him.I had two small children on my own. he had told me how useless etc i was for so long! How was I to do This? I began drinking when the children were asleep. I was scared but felt like i needed him,was nothing without him.As he said no one else would put up with me,would I be alone forever? Could i look after these little girls? I was so selfish. I didn't even realize it then.They should've been my everything,but i turned to the bottle.Also when i got too much for him,as he said;he would spike my tea with benzodiazapines.Which i later discovered from my doctor.After not having them for a week i became very ill,after many doctors tests,they found nitrazopam in my system.A drug you can die coming off. The physical violence was nothing compared to the mental torture,and now this? "to control me!" you see me out cold meant he could drink and i would never even know. So I sat in my chair one night,the children asleep in bed,and strangley no threats from him?
I was in my nightdress,I heard a smash from my back door.Just as I rose in terror,I saw.A stranger in a motorcycle helmet hac smashed through the bottom panel of my kitchen door.His unfamiliar shape just stood there in front of me for a moment.I did what i could and cowered on the floor,trying to protect my head. when he was satisfied and he saw my swollen,bloody face,he left just as he had come.I couldn't beleive grant would do this,with his children asleep upstairs.(I knew it wasn't grant,but as he could'nt get near he found someone who could. someone to dole out the punishment he felt i deserved.He laughed when i asked him. That sound will never leave me.If I'd have died that night HIS CHILDREN,would have found me dead.It never even crossed his mind. Thats more soul bearing than i can bear right now but there's so much more...........
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