THEN & NOW. PART2

.....So i have shared with you a little part of a depraved life, the domestic violence part. This is where my real mistakes began and the real depravity begins.
After the attack in my own home, I broke down. I as a mother could not protect my own children. The next morning i got my parents to pick them up. Bruised and with a split lip, they took them with no question. Social services were quickly involved. The few days following, my house was empty, my life was empty. I had gone from having these beautifull babies that took up all my days and nights. If only I had known then that in a short time, I would be crying at their unused toys, breathing in their scent from the clothes that had been left behind. I was unable to see them untill the bruises were gone and social services were there. How had i gone from being this strong person, that had got rid of grant, to this weak being that called him to come get me! I had no one else, maybe he had been right all the time, and i couldn't live without him. I put a few belongings in a bin bag, and an hour later I was getting in his car. I knew that my dad would sell my house now anyway, I could'nt bear the ghosts in that house. So he took me to his new flat. We had room mates too. Mark and Tara. SO called mutual friends of his.
For the first few weeks i missed my babies so much, all i did was get up buy a litre of vodka, drink it and sleep as long as I could. Anything to block this out. I noticed there was a change in the three of them. At this point i was a stranger to the symptoms of heroin, and did not click as to what they were all doing. I was just gratefull he was leaving me alone. Finallly they cajoled,bullied and blackmailed me to come to the living room, and spend some time with them. To keep the peace I did. (I was still not allowed to visit the children.) Every morning they all looked ill and listless. Grant would go out of the flat, and come back an hour later. After a lot of whispering etc. On his return, suddenly they were on top of the world. One morning he got up, went straight to the drawer and pulled out a large lump of heroin ( actually 4 huge lumps he had sold his house and had 25grand to spend!) This was the first time i had seen it. Where i grew up heroin did bad things to people i knew. Curiously i watched him put a lump on a piece of foil and began smoking it. He told me ( and i don't blame him for this part, no one made me do anything, at this point.) this would kill my pain better than any vodka. So i did. And it helped.Every morning he would allow me some, I had no idea of his plan at this point.
Soon the depravity of the drug was evident. The flat we lived in was dirty, mouldy food everywhere, bare duvet cover ( hideously dirty ) All he wanted to do was get more drugs. We had to go to bristol. There were 5 of us in the car that night. Grant drove the car 90miles an hour, into the back of a stationary van. The man in the front was seriously hurt. Grant was in the middle of the road (unharmed), and i had hit the right hand corner of the windscreen with my head, which was full of glass. I also had a broken right arm. Grant however was only concerned we would not "score" that night.
The next day, I woke up feeling so ill i can't even describe it. He also was ill and here's where he admits to me his "plan".To punish me for what i had done to him, he had planned to get me addicted to heroin, then leave me to suffer. Although feeling the pain now himself, he kindly changed his mind.There is so much to tell you, but i don't think i can tell all. I'm not ready for that still. The things i've seen, the positions i was put in due to heroin. And thats before i left him again.
That night we went back to bristol. He took me to a crackhouse. Full of the people you would cross the road, to get away from. I am eternally thankfull he had money at this time, because here i was like a fish outta water ( knife in my bag ). When a powerfull figure among this world of depravity, walked in. He headed straight toward me, dripping in gold, and he eyes me up and down a few times. Without taking his eyes off me, he says "who's pretty woman is dis?" Grant sniffed, and with a nod of his head, he indicates, mine! The man says "wait here a moment." quickly he returned. Slammed god knows how much heroin ( the size of a brick ) and he says to grant,"I give you dis for her." I can honestly say that this was one of the most frightening moments of my life. Grant did'nt give a crap about me, am i going to be sold to do god knows what. Grant's silent consideration , was far too long. Finally he said no. And the man left.
Weeks later the violence began again. He had been taunting me in a room full of people, among them my so called friend's Tara and Mark. Then i said somthing that made him look stupid. And he attacked. I was on the floor being kicked, over and over. "My friend " Tara said; "Grant if you're going to kick her at least take you're steel toe cap boots off." Eventually that evening, I managed to throw some things in a bin bag, and with a broken arm and Tara's help, I escaped through the window.
For two weeks i slept rough in a city i was unfamiliar with. I never sold my body to get by, but i do not want to talk about it. There was a lot more between then and now., but i will tell you this, all this time later, my children and i are together again. Even better, as I quote my cpn; "i have broken the cycle. Only one percent of women that come from domestic violence, usually repeat the pattern, and go for abusive men." I have broken that pattern. I have an amazing fiancee who the children call daddy. He does nothing but support me, love me. We are getting married july 31st. I want any of you women out there who have lived or are living this life, there is hope. You have to want it and it's very hard work. Although dammit it can be done. emma