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The week before the wedding i was soooo nervous, and couldn't wait for it to be over and done with. I wish i had relaxed and enjoyed it more now, as anyone who has been married knows that the day goes ridiculously quickly, and is all over way too soon. It was an amazing day, however it being my wedding, of course there were a number of..erm, well..hiccups! I figured that the peachy blush colour of my dress would warm my skin tone a little, but i still looked like i had been locked in a dark room without sunlight for a long time. my complexion made the white lilies look positively tanned. My mum had decided to keep my dress at her house, so it wouldn't smell of smoke (yes, I'm a smoker) fair enough, trouble was, i have been dieting in the 4 months since i bought the dress. So the night before the wedding, i slipped my dress on, only to find that my boobs have of course shrunk considerably (no matter how much i diet, the only place i really loose weight is my bust ) and my once snug wedding dress now gaped off my chest ridiculously. 12 hours before the wedding, what the hell was i going to do?? Well..mum had the answer and so the next day i walked down the aisle full of safety pins holding my dress on, and my chest considerably plumped with the aid of 3 bras, and some toilet roll!! Can you picture it? A vision of loveliness I'm sure?
My sister in law straightened my hair, which was amazing, and poker straight before i left the house. By the time i got to the church ( 5 minutes down the road ) i looked like i had been electrocuted and my hair was the consistency of straw. Pah! "ghd industrial strength straighteners" i think not! Sure, if you have permed hair, or a stubborn kink, they will straighten it out, but full on natural curls? Clearly the ghd inventors had not thought people with natural curls needed to be catered for? Maybe they think people with curls are pretty much extinct? Well, whatever the story, they did not think this through, clearly. I mean who did they test these things on? They are probably from L.A, where people are born with sleek, straight, glossy locks ( retch ) OK, OK, rant over! So yeah, my hair frizzed over so much, it took me 3 days to untangle and remove my tiara. I looked seriously demented with it perched on top of my birds nest excuse for hair buying milk in the corner shop the next day ( actual flashback *groan ) Where was i, oh yeah, i have really short stubbly eyelashes, so i decided to invest in false ones for my big day. Again, i got my sister in law to fix them on for me. I had to really, i am partially sighted in one eye, and trying to guess where to glue them was a little like playing pin the tail on the donkey. ( with one eye closed i can see precisely-nothing ) and at one point managed to give myself a dodgy eyelash moustache, not a good look for a bride. So she glued on the lashes and eyed up the effect dubiously. "hmm, a little drag queenish" she uttered, and before i could squawk my protest had trimmed them down with nail scissors. " Much better " she assured me, and headed out to the church to finalize the music. I picked up the mirror and admired her handiwork " Ah crap! " She had trimmed the new eyelashes to precisely the same length as my normal, inadequate, stumpy lashes. Out came the mascara, as i tried in vain to salvage them. Only succeeding in giving myself the look of having glued spiders legs to my lash line, humph! You would think that would be the end of the eyelash debacle, but noooo. Mere minutes before i was due to get into the bridal car, one demented lash became unstuck at the corner. ( mum, and every other female having already left ) shrieking in panic, it was left to me and my equally short sighted dad to navigate the lash glue, and salvage my dignity. ( yes, i know I'm being dramatic but it was my wedding day, i was ENTITLED to be! ) And so, forgetting everything is backwards in the mirror, i succeeded in placing a huge white blob of eyelash glue on the outside of my eyelashes! In stark contrast to the gold of my eyeshadow, the white blob merely smeared and smudged when i tried to remove it, and the wedding car's horn began to blare loudly in signal, we had to go now! " put more gold on it? " dad suggested helpfully. With the little time left, i did, and tried not to look in reflective surfaces!
Arriving at the church mum pointed out, i had forgotten my bouquet. "Aaarrghhh! this marriage is doomed." A voice in my head blared. Dad retrieved my bouquet, and the sight of my gorgeous and very calm daughters, filled me with shame. Everything was fine until the vows, when the vicar who had been reminded constantly, and even had it spelt phonetically, was completely dumbstruck and unable to pronounce my middle name-Sian. Which is just the welsh version of Shan. The silence was deafening. " Shan" Ben, and i hissed, rather too forcefully. Next came the rings, oh what fun we had. ( did you hear the sarcasm? ) Ben had been building decking the previous week, and had knocked his hand,causing it to swell. When it was time for me to put the ring on his finger, lo and behold it would not go over his swollen knuckle! I pushed fervently to no avail, and gave in glaring at my groom, hoping desperately to signal with my eyes that he do it! Luckily he knows every dirty look i have, by heart ( we're so in love-ha! ) and quickly slipped the ring on the other hand-phew! I positively melted as my new husband gazed at me lovingly, until i realized the look of love was more a quizzical puzzled expression, as he stared at the great hulking blob of gold speckled glue in the corner of my eye!
And so, smugly, and newly married off we trotted to sign the register. Face screwed up in concentration, i signed my life away ( kidding, i adore him. ) Ben noticing something different about my signature, asked what name i was signing? "Emma Johnson" ( my married name ) i chirped. A collective gasp rippled through the room. "What?" I asked. "You're supposed to sign your maiden name." The registrar told me. "Oh crap!" How was i supposed to know? I had just got married after all. I was no longer Emma Carter, why would i assume i should sign my maiden name after i was married? Bless her, the registrar was very understanding, and fixed it for me with minimum fuss. It really is no wonder i spent most of the day with the look of a rabbit caught in the headlights.
Everything else ran smoothly enough, that is until Ben forgot half his speech, and the top table caught fire when the serviettes blew into my lovely floating candles, but APART from those things, my wedding day was beautiful and filled with love. My biggest mistake being, i decided to break my no alcohol rule, and drank with my friend tat evening. No one told me that when you hit 30 a hangover lasts 3 freaking days!! *groan.
I think we should have a kind of wedding tribute month, so please email me your wedding stories, and photos at: meami_5@live.com and i will happily fill my blog with your lovely memories. Long live weddings!!
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