Breast left behind.

I am comfortable with telling you this, because lets face it i’m never actually going to meet any of you face to face. My kids are 9 and 8 years old, and yet latley my breasts have started producing milk again!! I mean wtf?? I have’nt breast fed for 8 years! And no i am definatley not pregnant. So what exactly is going on with my screwed up body, huh?

Ah, what fond memories though. Waking in the morning to find my boobs like concrete blocks, hearing the baby cry and having something akin to two water pistols on my chest. Seriously though, these are the things the pregnancy books definatley do not tell you about. Imagine my suprise when i turned to greet my partner on waking, only to spray him with streams of breast milk, ( he did’nt see the funny side either ). The books fail to tell you so much about the reality of pregnancy, and childbirth, that the shock can be quite monumental. For example, nobody, and i mean nobody tells you exactly how bad the pain of childbirth actually is, and that pregnancy is the most awkward, painfull, and emotional thing you will probably ever go through. The sensation of having a tiny foot jammed up underneath my ribcage, is one of the most un- pleasant feelings i have experienced, and watching feet, elbows, and tiny hands protrude from a very pregnant belly, can only be seen to be beleived. I remember my baby actually kicked a saucer off my belly towards the end, fun times.

If any expectant mums out there are reading this, i’m sorry i’m really not trying to scare you, i just think it’s better to know exactly what to expect. Although saying all this holding you’re baby for the first time is the most amazing experience, and well worth any suprise you’re body can throw at you, and no can can describe for you how you will feel at that moment. I was in labour for 30 hours the first time, both me and the baby were in trouble at one point during loabour and i finally had a fonteuse delivery. It’s when they put what looks like a sink plunger in the birth canal, attatch it to the babies head and pull. I must warn you, that thing feels like it’s made from solid wood going up there, a memory i had definatley blocked out untill now! I have to admit, when they handed my baby over, i have never been more terrified in my entire life. I was sleep deprived, drugged, and ripped to shreds, and they just hand you this tiny defenceless baby, wheel you on to the ward, and let you get on with it! I was petrified, i remember thinking ” they’re going to leave me to look after her? I can’t even see straight.” I don’t know what i thought was going to happen, but i kind of thought i would be able to sleep a couple of hours and let the drugs wear off, before i had sole responsibility of this tiny defensless baby. It was the most frightening moment of my life. Anyway, having said that you would do well to remember to rest as much as possible in those 9 months of pregnancy, and enjoy it as much as you can, it’s a special time.

Well that was a nice trip down memory lane, who would have thought my wierd breast milk situation would envoke such recollections? If any of you ladies out there are pregnant, and want an honest answer about anything i’ve mentioned, just ask. After all knowledge is power oh, and if any of you have had a similar *mumbles behind hand* breast situation to my current one, i would welcome any advice.